At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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