Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
