Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
