It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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