We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
