Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize