Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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