Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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