No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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