He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize