i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
