it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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