i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
