I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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