You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
