seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
