My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
