You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
