I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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