Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
and she was petting her beer can
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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