Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize