I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
