he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
