We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I'm really into asian looking animals
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
