He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
