so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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