So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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