i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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