How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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