His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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