I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
