I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize