Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
