Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
