come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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