dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Enjoy the penises
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
