I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
