dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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