Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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