Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
