awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
