Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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