I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
