I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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