I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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