Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is Oprah even human
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Randomize
