every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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