just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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