We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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