Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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