ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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