Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think my vagina is haunted
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Randomize
