I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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