Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
