I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
